well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
