how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
