Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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