do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
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