Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
