Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
It's shark week go big or go home
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
