im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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