I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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