I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
