I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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