Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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