I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize