Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
