'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
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i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
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