maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
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