Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You pole danced in your parka.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
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