I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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