In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
