I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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