I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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