Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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