you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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