Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
