So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
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you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
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