yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
