After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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