she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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