i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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