gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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