as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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