You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
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What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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