i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
