i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I'm at about main and main street
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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