Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
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I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
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Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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