I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
