i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
it glows. i had to have it.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
