Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
