Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
