My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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