how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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