i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
