I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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