I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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