are you so shy because you have an std?
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
