I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
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this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
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Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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