i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
