fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
