I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
