It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
