listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
