My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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