my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
