He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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