i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
