you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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