Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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