Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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