I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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