I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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