Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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