You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
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You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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