i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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