Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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